Screen Savers

The thought of summer holidays stirs mixed feelings in parents. On one hand there is a sense of relief from the tedious routine of the morning rush for the school buses, homework to be done, nightly preparation and then on the other is the imminent irksome question? What will they do for those six long weeks?  I know mothers who are ready to tear their hair out by the end of first week!

I grew up in a small town in the mountains where holidays meant endless days of just being. Climbing trees, reading books and slowly loosing self to a fantasy world where we only came down to reality for meals and sleep. Lets admit it that it is not so easy any more. We have no acres of mountains or fields for our children to loose or find themselves anymore. Most parents will vouch for the fact the only place the children have a scope of loosing themselves is in the virtual or gaming world and in the unreal world of TV sitcoms. They just have to switch on a button and no need to step out of the house.

Though mountains of research has been carried out in this field, one specific research by Dr Mary Burke, University of California (2010) highlights how excessive “screening” makes your child’s brain neuro-chemically similar to a drug addicts. Their addiction to  “visuomotor ecstasy” leads to a passive life style that can impact language development, academic performance, socialization and motor development (Mel Levine 202)

Making the holidays more creative and mind-strengthening:

• ·      Let them explore their environment. Stephen Keller, professor of social ecology at Yale has described how childhood exploration of home territory through climbing trees, hideouts and building forts an important milestone in cognitive maturation. There is no better opportunity of it than summer holidays – away from regimented routines, tuitions and daily drills. 
• ·Depending on their age, build parameters of safety and let them discover their neighbourhood and city– garden at home, building, parks, heritage sites. Research has indicated (Children’s Geographies 2005) that such self directed explorations increase their connection to their community, build their spatial orientation, make them more street smart and cut down on their anxiety about the big bad world out there.
• ·      It is easy to say, “Screen only for an hour a day” but difficult to implement it if children have nothing else to do. Make a list of creative mind-cultivating activities that they can do through the day and stick it up on the wall too. It could be anything from baking cakes, carrying out scientific experiments, making cards, crafting bookmarks, designing family albums, and making storyboards.
• ·       Give each child a household chore according to their age and interest like watering flowers, “goondoing atta”, taking dog for a walk etc. It will help them understand that running a home is a family responsibility and not just the maids.
• Let them get involved in some meaningful yet fun work at an NGO. For example, my daughter is very keen to help out in an animal shelter this summer. Explore possibilities of creative workshops in theater, dance or maybe an adventure camp that will broaden their horizons and generate new learning experiences.
• ·      I would also suggest that take a wild family holiday with your kids. Away from our mobiles, emails and to do lists. Go for “green therapy” and explore nature with them. Connect with them, play with them, have long chats with them. All of you will cherish those moments forever.

I am determined not to loose my children to screen this summer. All the best to you too!

(Published in Prevention May 2012)

Take care of your first born!

I remember when my older child, my son, was born I fretted every minute of his waking life as I just wanted to be the best mother. His feeds, sleep, play, learning, outings, reading (I had a complete library for him by the time he was 3 months old!!), family times were carefully calibrated to optimize his growth and development. I devoured parenting books in huge quantity and knew everything there was to know or read in the area of child development. I basked in the praise showered on me by my friends and family. I was a mother with a mission.

However, four years later, when I had my daughter, my parenting found a new avatar.  Somehow, all those things that kept me awake at nights with my son, became non-issues. I threw away most of my parenting books and learned to just enjoy my baby. It was a beautiful experience as I learned to go with the flow and just marvel at the miracle of life. Also, it made me become a better parent to my son.

It is not just own experience that has made me fascinated by birth order. I see a similar dance being played out in our most modern day families. In the present age of hyper- parenting, young couples living in nuclear set up come under a lot of pressure when they have their first child. Without the comfort of a larger extended family, they rely primarily on parenting books and websites (which are largely westernized) to learn the ropes anxiously. Coupled with this are other factors like the early stage of their career development, nascent phase of mother’s position in her husband’s family, inevitable in laws issues, lack of confidence in her own natural nurturing abilities. That is what the first-born gets born into.

So they come into this world and become a preoccupation for everybody. They are the center of the family’s universe. Everything they do is talked about, marveled and eulogized. However, the fan fare suddenly fizzles out as soon as the second born comes along. Suddenly they are told to grow up and move over and let this new baby take the prized position! And if he does show displeasure, he is reprimanded for being a brat while everybody coos at the new born. How unfair is that!

Tips

·      One thing we decided very early on was never to tell our son, “You are older, so try to understand.” How can a kid understand, that his besotted parents, are expecting him to suddenly act all grownup for this annoying little sister who has fooled them into believing that she is an innocent darling.

·      Make sure the older ones get equal share of your hugs, kisses and cuddling times. I know the little ones have a tendency to become territorial about your lap, but try to play fair.

·      If you just have one baby yet I would strongly suggest that the most important ingredient of parenting is “enjoy your child”. You do not have to be a super parent. It is alright, have fun, be playful, it is far more important than obsessing about his growth on the percentile chart or the latest accelerated learning programme that other mothers are raving about.

·      Similarly, take it easy on your first-born. Try not to impose all your dreams on to her. Be alert to your own anxiety that makes you push her and expect her to be perfect.

·      There is redemption for parents who haven’t got it right the first time around. I remember telling my son, “I am sorry for messing up big time when you were little.” And he, in his typical generosity turned around and told me, “Its alright, Mum, it was your first time too!” 

Published in Good Housekeeping

I am my choices!

You are what you believe yourself to be. Before you read further, I would like you to go back and read that statement again very slowly. Do you agree with me that you end up where your belief takes you? Some of you might be thinking, “What about some people who face exceptional losses or hardships in life, where will self belief take them?”

Let me tell you a little story. There was an Austrian psychiatrist called Victor Frankl (Man’s Search for Meaning, Simon & Schuster, 1970) who faced utmost humiliation and suffering during the holocaust, including the loss of his wife and parents. Yet, even in his deepest anguish, he realized that the Nazis could take everything away from him except his inner sense of freedom and dignity. He survived the holocaust and lived to become a world famous psychiatrist and write many books on this very subject.

Can you think of one painful experience from your own life? If you look back, what did you learn from this experience? Have you managed to turn this painful experience around to make it your strength? If you have, then you are a person who believes that life is not what is given to you but what you make of it. I have met many people in my life who have gone through so much grief, abuse, loss but their zest for life has been so inspiring and uplifting.

My grandfather lost his parents when he was a little boy. His brothers wanted him to work in the fields but he was determined to get himself education. He ran away from  home in the mountains at the age of 10 and studied by taking up small time jobs. He was part of the freedom movement and faced a lot of tragedies and setbacks at a very young age. However, he never let regret or bitterness get him down or hold him back. He moved on in life with such joie de vivre and passion.

I would like you to do the following exercise. I would strongly recommend that you get a pad and pen to write down your thoughts.

Complete the following statements:

One restrictive belief I carry about myself is………

The impact of this restrictive belief on my life is…….

This restrictive belief stems from ……and it stops me from……

I have done this exercise a number of times in my workshops and I get fascinated by the repetitive themes that keep coming up. “I am not as intelligent as my sister and I will never do well,” “I am so fat and ugly, that’s why people do not like me,” This exercise also helps us to think of where these irrational beliefs could have come from and how they limit our life.

Now I would like you to complete the following statement. I would suggest you take a little time to ponder before you write this down.

Today I choose to replace this restrictive belief with another empowering belief which is……

Now read this affirmative statement you have written and repeat it to yourself a few times. It might even help if you say this to yourself at least twice a day till you start believing in it. So for example if your restrictive belief till now has been that “I suck at public speaking,” you could replace it with, “I can learn to be a brilliant speaker.”

Bernard Shaw said, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself”. So be creative, and you can surely have the time of your life!

 Column for Prevention 

Being Left of Right

I am not one of those people who finds it difficult to take compliments. They generally make me feel a little chuffed with myself. But there is one category of compliment, which leaves me a bit gobsmacked. And those are in the line of, “You are so well organized”, “How do you manage your time so well?” or also, “How do you manage to do be so focused?” I respond to them with a bit of a shock and general sense of confusion. It is like somebody with Dyscalculia being told that she manages the finances very well!

The thing is that as a kid and most of my adult life I have always been told that I was very disorganized, scatterbrained and “too lost”. My brother would affectionately call me “confused mass of protoplasm”. I have lived with these identities for most of my life and that’s why I still struggle to own anything that is not congruent to it. 

So when did it start changing for me? Maybe it all started when I married Amit and being with somebody who was so right of right (and so blissfully so) that I had to desperately lean on some of my left brain cells to keep us from going into utter chaos.  I can’t put a finger on to it but maybe it started fourteen years ago when I had my first baby. I loved my baby and I loved my work. I realized that I had to put some systems in place otherwise it would definitely not work out. I couldn’t bear to see my baby miss out on his time with me because I had lost track of time at work. Second baby made me stretch myself a little more. 

Why am I sharing this with you? I am sharing this with you to highlight a simple point - our brains have the capacity for changing in a big way. I started as a far right person, in terms of my dominance but in time my neural real estate has done a bit of a shift and I have started dipping into my left much more. It has been a huge struggle. I still have huge challenges with language, sequencing, facts, logic and details (sends me into a panic).

I am primarily right brained - intuitive, always looking for the big picture, holistic, visual. I believe this is my strength and I try to base most of my work around it. I do not present cases, I prefer to tell stories, I do not make presentations, I like to connect from my heart, I do not write reports, I like to build narratives, I do not analyze, I like to enrich. Sounds soppy? Makes no sense? Blame it on my right. 

Left style of living and working does not come naturally to me. Right is and Left wants to be, Right meanders and Left pulls to the centre, Right wonders and Left demands certainty. Right is curious and Left judges. What’s my answer? Stay a bit to the left of the right. Works for me.

Big Thanks to Ankita Khanna :) and Mercedes Benz

Laugh It Out

When we moved to our present home, we immediately fell in love with the expansive lush green park in front. The only thing that rankled me was the startling sound of the early morning “laughter club” that drowned out all gentle sounds of nature. As I sat  with my newspaper and tea in the balcony some of my resentful thoughts ran from “Why do they have to be so loud?” “They are just faking it”, as I eyed the hearty group of senior men who were bent upon laughing out their lungs.

However, eight years have gone by, and my attitude has turned from irritated cynicism to wistful admiration. This group has waxed and waned over the years as some very senior members have passed away making way for fresher grays. The Delhi’s extreme weather has no dent on their commitment and determination to laugh it out. Their early morning zest and back slapping humour is really a wonder at times. There are some mornings when I have got up feeling grumpy and edgy and their energetic mirth has added a dash of amusement and perked me up instantly, “If they can laugh for no reason then so can I!”  

One very striking thing about laughter is that it is very social. We can smile alone, cry in solitude, be scared in isolation and rage all by our self but we only laugh when we are with people. It is even more contagious than yawning. Many a times when with friends and family, I have found myself laughing aloud at a joke even though I have not understood a bit of it. Laughter touches our empathy centre in the brain and before we know it, we are giggling away merrily, our thinking brain desperately trying to catch up later. 

As a kid I was always told that I laughed too much.  I was sent out of class by my teachers for not being able to hold my mirth at the slightest provocation. My funny bone still can get ticked so effortlessly. I also connect very easily to people who laugh easily. I have found that some of the most resilient people I have met are the ones who are able to laugh at themselves and have a healthy sense of humour that keeps them going through the roughest times.

Robert Provine, a neuroscientist (Laughter: A Scientific Investigation) gives a meticulous account of the anthropology and biology of laughter. According to him, laughter has tremendous analgesic properties. In simple words, it could be the best stress buster known to human kind. It also has aerobic benefits as it activates the cardiovascular system, increases the heart rate and pumps more blood to internal organs. So next time, you miss the gym, don’t fret, get hold of your friends or family and laugh it out. It will do your heart and your relationships a world of a good!

Jokes apart, I have started believing that laughter is an excellent way to bond. Families who laugh together stay together. Giggling is the bonding glue for friends. Even at workplaces, I have seen that teams that laugh together are most synergistic and effective. So if you are a little concerned about any relationship in your life, check out if you are injecting enough dose of laughter into it. Whatever your unique style maybe – giggle, chortle, chuckle, guffaw, hoot, cackle -just belt it out. Joyful living has to be celebrated loudly.

Tip: According to William Fry, a laughter researcher it takes 10 minutes of rowing on home exercise machine to reach the heart rate produced by one minute of hearty laughter.

Column for Prevention October 2011

Who is a "Special Child" ?

Two words that always send me into some kind of tailspin is “special child” (“slow learner” is a close second though!!) What is a “special child”? I have not seen one and if you have please do describe one. Does he have a halo or maybe horns? An extra eye or an ear? What really do they have or not have that makes them “special”? I am really clueless!

Many a times when I have asked teachers how many children do they have in their class, they will reply, “25 +3!”  I remember the first time I heard it, I was very mystified by that addition, “Er…+3?”, thinking that was in some way a trick answer to a very simple question. The pat smug answer (oh! we are so inclusive) was, “3 special children of course!” Of course, what I was thinking!

I have heard mothers talk glibly (a big feather, maybe a “special feather” in their caps) about how in their children’s birthday parties they invited the “whole class and also the special children.” Am I being dense or are they not part of the whole class? 

I keep getting flyers for “art classes for special children”, “yoga for special children”, “dancing for special children”, “cookery for special children” and I am really mystified.

I know, I know, you are going to say, “This is just a kind, caring, compassionate way of addressing children who are different”. I have a problem with that. I have a problem with one size fits all approach. I have a problem with all children being lumped together. I have a problem with this “Lets call them special and show everybody how compassionate we are”.

Has anybody asked these children how they feel about being called “special”? Yesterday, this young girl came to meet me and started howling as soon as she entered my room. “I hate being special. I am teased in my school and car pool for being special. How can I become non-special again?”

A tough question and I wonder how many of us have an answer to that?

Are You Ready?

This post is specially dedicated to Mums who are doing a brilliant job of parenting their non-neurotypical children.

Are you ready?

·      To live your life, one day at a time? At times from one hour to another, moment to moment?

·      To accept that future is an abyss that will maybe (definitely) open up like a curl of a fresh bud?

·      To see the sparkle in your child when others just see shadows?

·      To open your arms wide and your heart even wider, when others shrink away?

·      To smile and blow away the frets of the others?

·      To let your smile become your tears and tears become your smile?

·      To repeat, repeat and repeat again? And then maybe once again?

·      To get down or move up to another altitude, maybe attitude of being, living, connecting?

·      To get amused by what others think as hard day’s work? As you do that all, and come back home to more?

·      To take another angle, outlook, perspective, world-view that you had never seen before?

·      To keep taking leaps of faith with eyes wide shut?

·      And lastly, most importantly, knowing deep in your hear that you would not have it any other way?